Love is an energy that circulates between people, and we don't always feel that we are understood in what we feel for our loved ones or in what we want them to know about our love.

Apart from the fact that we carry wounds within us that can disrupt our ways of loving, it is interesting to observe this communication in the form of a language, which may be different for each of us, in order to establish a good flow of these feelings. Our upbringing in relationships will also be important: the way we have been loved from birth will shape this language.

To enter the other person's planet, you can go in search of their way of loving.

When you travel, you meet different people. To do this, if your intention is to really "touch" the reality of another ethnic group, is to prepare for communication: learn the language (or at least a few elements) but also learn who they are and how they function. What are their representations of the world, their values, their habits, so that we don't make mistakes or blunders by imposing our way of understanding the relationship and the world. In general, we are quite cautious in these situations. Sometimes disturbed, frightened, frustrated by so many differences...

And yet, by focusing on the relationship, people can build a strong, respectful bond and increase the quality of the time they spend together.

It's exactly the same in a couple, a friendship or a family relationship. We are dealing with a totally different individual. If we choose to love them, we should try to understand their world, and hope that they can do the same for us. It's by doing this that people can reduce their frustrations and better understand what's going on and what's at stake in their relationship.

We have taken this analysis from Gary Chapman, an American author and marriage counsellor.

The point of his work is to get people thinking about the language or languages that each of them advocates. The other person can then get to know their partner better and offer them what they want, so that they feel loved. In turn, they will do the same, frustrations will diminish and pleasure will flow. Communication becomes easier, more understanding and caring.

What are these love languages, and how do each of us feel most loved?

Valuing words:

Some people feel loved when they receive words of encouragement (what you're doing is wonderful, keep up the good work, bravo, etc.), compliments (how beautiful you are, how strong you are, etc.) and kind words (little love messages, text messages, love letters or emails, etc.).

Around attentions and gifts:

There's no need to make them big or expensive, the most important thing is to have the intention to please. Understand what the other person likes and offer it as a surprise. Let him or her know that we are thinking about and remembering what he or she appreciates.

Services rendered:

It's a bit like "I'm sharing the actions with you because I love you", I'm doing for you, to lighten your workload, I'm doing you a favour, I'm helping you with difficult things.

Around moments of quality:

We're talking about quality. Those who like this kind of language agree that it's not the quantity or even the length of time spent together that counts, but the quality. So, planning a little time together, with a clear focus on the relationship, is quality time.  Even at home, paying attention to each other.

Touching:

Touching, kissing, cuddling, massaging, pampering, holding hands and hugging are all ways of feeling welcomed into each other's hearts.

So how do you go about it?

Some people will use all 5 languages, while others will prefer one or the other.

Being an explorer, trying out different ways of loving, seems to be the best attitude. We often fall into the trap of loving others as we would like to receive their affection. And we are sometimes disappointed when our intentions are not heard. But we only know the other person to the extent of the information we gather about them and the interest we have in the interaction we want with them.

Let's dare to say what we expect and how happy we are.  For each of us, there are these different ways of showing and receiving love, and to be a win-win situation, both sender and receiver need to understand the messages.

Under these conditions, we connect with each other and love can flow and fill us.

Mercier Sophie, marriage and family counsellor.