It's natural to support someone close to you who is ill or feeling unwell.  The family, parents, children and spouses surround a sick person in a caring way.

But in this situation, are we fully aware of all the suffering involved? How do we take care of them?

When someone is ill, their world collapses. The patient is very helpless, afraid and lonely. At that point, they need a lot of strength, support and patience, because their lives are changing and they need hope.

It's the same thing for your partner or family, but it's better not to wait for the attention of the person suffering, as they need all their energy to heal. To get through this difficult time together, it's essential to take all the suffering into account.

The person who is ill certainly needs your energy, which they will sometimes want to rely on, but you too are in a situation that requires special attention.

Consider these experiences:

A wife faced with her husband's depression.

This woman comes to see me. Her husband has been depressed for 2 years. Although he is trying very hard to get out of it, he has many moments of distress and his death wish is very frequent: he talks about suicide, about the meaning that life no longer has, he no longer has any respect for himself, leaving his hygiene and health to one side. What is the experience of the loving wife who comes to see me?

She has lost her lover but is trying to fight against the feeling that she no longer exists for him, to fight against the powerlessness to make him happy, even sometimes "alive", to be patient, understanding... and it's very difficult for her. She doesn't hate herself, but her husband's illness. Nevertheless, she has to redouble her efforts to offer hope in this context of total frustration and not burden the relationship with blame. She must also reassure her husband that, despite what she may be going through with him, she still loves him.

In this case, support is essential, otherwise she runs the risk of collapsing in her lack and in her failure to recognise what she may be going through.

A father with Alzheimer's.

A family comes to see me about their sick father. The relatives are constantly affected and concerned by their father's and husband's 'crises'. Many conflicts arise between them. I see two members of this family who are suffering greatly in their relationships. Their father no longer recognises them, and sometimes even pushes them away. It is impossible to maintain a "normal" relationship with him, and the relationship is filled with pain and conflict.

This situation generates helplessness, and requires mourning for the person you once knew, because they are different. A new way of being with them has to be born.

Here are a few tips:

At first, the spouse tries to get out of the situation on his or her own, thinking that he or she is strong enough.

But you have to be able to jump out of the boat before it sinks. In other words, start seeking support as soon as the relationship weakens one of you. So that the other person doesn't have to bear the brunt of the abandonment, but is given time to recover.

Whatever the tragedy, everyone around you is affected. For those accompanying the person, it is necessary to have a network of neutral friends, relatives or support staff (therapist, discussion group) to lean on, because many feelings can overwhelm you: fear, pain, grief, but also anger at a situation that you did not choose, that you are suffering. To avoid wasting energy, you mustn't allow the situation to drag you down, suddenly finding yourself lacking patience or understanding. Above all, don't feel guilty: you shouldn't blame yourself, or feel ashamed, because it's perfectly natural to feel that way. But it is possible to think about lost needs and where to find them.

Let's not forget that it's just as important to express what you're feeling to the person you love and who is suffering (in a calm, considered way). These communications can be prepared in consultation or between friends and family. Most of the time, the person who is ill assumes that you are experiencing difficulties, and would not particularly like you to lie to them; they may feel just as powerless as you do. Understanding what you are all going through is essential, illness permitting.

Under no circumstances should you neglect the hands that the outside world is holding out to you, and share your burden with kind-hearted people, so that you can do yourself some good too, and avoid experiencing what is known as the collateral damage of this situation.

Sophie Mercier, marriage and family counsellor.